mousehands : ask philip

The London Underground, like any submerged mass transit system, exists outside the normal rules of gravity and the laws of motion. In fact, anything invented after the death of Issac Newton (Sir) fails to obey these basic and fairly useful guidelines.

Depending on the direction you’re facing in relation to the direction of the train’s motion, you either end up with a face full of cheese-puke or it speed off away from the delicate nose area, where smells are reported to your liver, and onto the Judge Jules Smellorium, where no less than one sense are detected.

It’s worth noting that any retch juice which falls onto a shoe in such an incident as you describe will, within two working days, form into a nice garden bench. So best to clean it off before that all important business meeting.