mousehands : ask philip

showing question #193

question from big shirtless col

I was watching Garry Moore ticking the no publicity box on his pools coupon the other day when it occurred to me just how slow ants are at replying to letters. Now, I’m not complaining, I know they are busy lads but really, is it too much to ask for a prompt acknowledgment of my missive. Also, I saw Sid James laughing at a kestrel’s diary on Monday last, he said he was laughing because they always spell ship wrong. Is this true?

Quite true, yet there is more. Sid James, being one of the growing hoards of undead comic actors and singers*, was clearly up to no good.

Are you quite sure it was a kestrel’s diary he was cackling over? More likely, given the voodoo circumstances, he was reading the necromicon. Sometimes mistranslated as “book of the dead”, this actually means “book of the deeds”; with so many walking corpses rotting around the place, they need somewhere to live. After a drunken conversation with some militant house-breakers, the living dead decided on a campaign of squatting in your house or flat until you broke down, possibly in tears, and handed over ownership to them. The theory being it’s better to live on the street than to share a bed with someone who leaves a putrefying stain on the sheets every morning.

*Not to suggest Sidney was a singer, rather dead singers have a chance of returning and lusting after our juicy brains.

Recently, this has happened to Aaliyah, Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez, Johnny Cash and Elton John.

This question was asked on 10 April 2006 and answered 2 months and 1 day later on 24 June 2006.