mousehands : ask philip

Lesbians have within them all that is pure and true, untainted humanity straight from the bosom of the goddess Tracy. All those who seek them out, clothed or nay, seek understanding of what it is to exist - in its rawest form.

As for pornography, I’m fairly sure most men would rather be watching Ready Steady Cook, or perhaps Dad’s Army. Short in the girl on girl department, but swarthy and manly all the same.

You clearly suffered a terrible childhood soldering iron trauma. Possibly at school or in the sweat shop your uncle Jed runs, just outside of Diss.

Making dangerous toys for kneeless orphans is not a healthy thing for anyone. To overcome this you must, must, must seek professional help - A carpenter or architect would do, or perhaps a Major or Colonel in the RAF.

How big a pile of potato? Without these small yet vital nuggetts of information, it is impossible to come up with an accurate and well proportioned suggestion.

If there’s enough mash to cover the body completely, then I’d go for that. It’s well known in criminal circles that the rozzers will fail to look into the crushed starch, and any goo or stench which may emanate from the decomposing cadaver will be fully conceiled.

A suit of armour, on the other hand, is mostly made out of transparent papier-mache and amplifes the odour with its odour amplification properties.

I’ve been chewing the fat.
I’ve been waxing lyrical.
I’ve been sorting the fairies.
I’ve been biodegradable.
I’ve been writing ITV sitcoms.

All of these and more.

Your dog’s been working as an understudy for Eddie Izzard, hasn’t it? For this reason perhaps only, you should leave him be. It’s a well known fact around spa towns that comedy transvestite + food production plant + canine standby = limb loss for all concerned.

You do seem concerned about your mutt’s well-being, so I’d be wary of getting a head chopped off by a wayward lawnmower.

Many people over the age of reason have uttered the phrase “you are what you eat”. This has some truth, but the eyes follow a different code of wisdom.

Your eyes are what you smell.

Every time you sleep, your eyes are reformed from the scents around you during the previous day. This is one reason I avoid being around yoghurt, as one day my face was covered in melting spores. Far better to have lead, which not only smells wonderfully akin to almonds, but it stops the damn things dropping down your cheeks during audiences with monarchies.

As for your hair, it’s most likely being pushed out by the clockwork models of Ant and Dec. Some pot pourri should help you out there.

I should say so! I still have scars on my knees from that time I ran for the bus at mach 5. But this is as nothing to its fury when quantum physics are discussed. Just the suggestion of black holes, worm holes and key holes drives it into a insane rampage, which can last several months.

Avoid.

All Minardi need to make them competitive against the likes of BAR and Prost is a couple of top class drivers. I would suggest Damon Hill and Michael Andretti.

The gearbox issue is one that has plagued both programmers and beekeepers for decades. Here was my attempt, for the highly successful Footwork team, written at the time in Javascript. This example shows changing to a higher gear.

if (accelerator == “on” && revs > 17000 &&gear

The Post Office, a joint venture by Ronnie Biggs and the late Richard Branson, is slowly being turned from a high class boutique into a seedy stamp zone, filled with old women hungry for envelopes, green shield stamps and road tax exemption forms.

This new culture of crimpled skin and stale eyes gives rise to name calling and pointing at us fashion renegades by the dying. But stand true. Let not their pokes and wretched lies cause you to flinch in your task of procuring a nice new frock and natty accessories.