mousehands : ask philip

I was not as much born as devised. I am a governmental plot to make all coffee in the land taste almost exactly like ham, but still ever so slightly coffee like. Fans of the black piss oil everywhere will not know what to do with themselves! See how they look into the deep bean juice with a “Ham, surely not?” expression stamped on their wrinkled face.

Unfortunately, with a shift in policy since the New Labour crowd got in there is no longer any use for cynical incompetent or arrogant presumptions.

Honest.

I undertook a similar query during my recent run in with the fuzz, AKA the pigs. Upon the answer-sound departing my scruched up lips, I was taken away by a masked doctor*, injected with some kind of chemical, and locked in a dank cell for a week with no food, air or daytime television. Do not expect me to repeat the same error a third time.

* Masked as the doctor was, there were a couple of telltale signs about his/her occupation. The stethoscope, white coat and a portable flashing yellow neon sign with the words “I AM DOCTOR” hanging above the medical practitioner’s obscured head.

Would it be immoral or immortal of me to call you Due? Or are you being a bit of a traditional stick in the mud* and going to insist on Ms anonymous! today? You make me sick, you really do. With your coconut sponge cakes and stolen kisses. I know about those kisses, and your kiss box. I’ve seen you delve into its mucus covered depths and bask in the damp flesh synchronicity while you dream up schemes for ITV sitcoms with a budget of £17.50 a show.
To answer your query, a gander always minces when goose searching. It’s all to do with the plumage. So never.

*That being a stick in the mud about tradition, not someone who is a stick in the mud, and follows the 14th century method of mud sticking (in). For more information about mud, and the sticking in thereof, seek out my book “Mud: It’s bombastic and fantastic” from all good bookshops. And Amazon.

Camel (dromedary) have hump. Camel (bactrain) have hump, and hump.
Go now, unto your desert.

Yeah. But, like, well, yeah, I guess. For those unable to keep up, please try and keep up.

Seals are people too. And what kind of people don’t sometimes want to make moves in the church of dance? Having been a part of the seal club scene for a number of years now, a few things are worthy of not when talking about clubbing in the summer. Clubbing seal cubs are renound for the amount of mood affecting drugs they can consume, without the need for replenishing their liquids while on the dancefloor. Please, do not get into a drug/dance contest with a group from the east side. You will, I repeat, will, die.

Not in the slightest. That is exactly the reason I changed the menu from “thoughts” and “pictures”. Why not try and spot all the cheesy album references throughout the gubbins experience? It’s what families all around the globe spend rainy Sunday afternoons doing. And you want to be just like everyone else… don’t you?

Longer than the time taken to build a wall. More time even than it takes to pickle your own face. But not as long as takes to eek out a confession from Roger Taylor.

He frequently watches houses, with an attention to detail rare in one with precious metal for limbs. Unfortunately for you, he watches them explode shortly after awkwardly pressing a button with his gilded index finger.