questions 41 to 50
question from Ellie Dee
What are your tips for house breaking a dog?
Whip the bugger into submission.
question from Richard Head
My ant eater lost all his marbles and now he says he doesn’t wanna be my friend anymore. I’ve got him locked up for now, but what happens when he gets bigger?
Anteater + confinement = resentment. All 6 year olds are to be taught this in mortality classes starting from the 2002 term. And a good thing too, as your insolence shows.
question from Poltergoose
Why do mushrooms taste equally as disgusting as courgettes? And why do people see fit to make them into a disgusting fucking ‘dish’ called ratatouie?
Being a friend to all vegetables, including members of parliament, I find your comments offensive. One of these days, the flora kingdom will rise and grasp its fateful destiny. Oh, you can mock now, but when these slumbering giants rise like the morning sun you will curse your petty insubordination.
And Ratatouille prefers to be called a “platter”.
And Ratatouille prefers to be called a “platter”.
question from SOL
RTFM, TIA BBS. OCD FTP DVD FWIW. MD, CD, LP, QC! D… O… A…. YaST HAL IIRC, BG. FDD, LPT, HDD OS LiLo FWIW! TM BBL, WYSIWYG OCP OOTW?
FOAD! BTW, IOU LSD, GMT & CJD. COD, OK? OHOT, HRH QE2 MIA. HTH.
question from Tom Cruise
If it were but a matter of money, don’t you think I would have done so already?
You’re a dirty little troll, Thomas. I’ve never seen you turn down money, no matter what sordid things you might end up doing. In a few years, when you’ve spent all your hard earned money on birds, booze and helicopters you can look back on your memories, because that is all you will have.
question from Oh, you know who this is!
Why must you always rub your inner thigh?! And I demand a sufficient answer this time!
My family of moles, who live in my right thigh have recently been redecorating, with a little help from everyone’s favourite floppy haired foppish interior designer, Lawrence Lowellyn Bowen. It is a constant fight between my hands and a truckload of MDF, lace cuffs and terrible paintwork.
question from David
is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
It’s more to do with your deeply unpopular political views. I think your biggest mistake was going to South Carolina (It’s in America. Another gubbins experience first for education!) and claiming that communism is great and the locals could fight you to decide whether you were correct or not. Still, I’m glad you won. Using napalm was a stroke of Vietnam inspired genius.
question from Andrea
Where are you man? To where have you floated? I desperately need your input to my site and I also have a proposition for you which involves hard cash!! So get in touch.
Are you sure this is the correct and honourable way to conduct what might just be an illegal bootleg liquor operation? As hard as it might be to imagine, people might be reading this. Next time, just take a bit more care and choose a mode of communication that is a tad more private, like smoke signals, carrier pigeon or shouting real loud, like.
question from demeter, goddess of agriculture and yellow catsuits
i’m having a potluck dinner tomorrow night, would you fancy coming?
I’ll turn up, sure. If, however, all you’re serving is rancid hippo liver and beetroot juice, I won’t be happy and might just make up a flimsy excuse and leave. Some people might find rotting offal quaint and rustic, some even edible. But not me, I find it deeply offending to be served poisonous meat on the basis that you could end up with any old thing. Hospitals making cutbacks might just be able to get away with that sort of thing, but this is Surrey!
question from luke
how do you get your head so unreasonably shiny?
Great, innit? The recipe was given to me by Moby, who I blackmailed into giving me his formula by threatening to reveal all regarding his disgraceful actions in 15th century Milan.