mousehands : ask philip

I’ve just checked with former Home Secretary Michael Howard, who assures me that I’m officially a deranged mind bunker, in line with current EU legislation. And he’s the man to ask on these things, being not only an honourable, honest and funky politician but also the world’s greatest flamenco dancer.

If I were you, I’d be very concerned.
Don’t worry about those sinister things, however, that’s merely Yoko Ono and her “posse” dreaming up another crazy scheme.

The magazine once known as Just 17, or a totally different one?

I’m not a vampire, Statty old mate. I was bitten by one of your clan, but my blood is made of only the finest honey, stolen from the rarest Chilean bees. If you have a honey sucking vampire amongst you, I’d be glad to join you in the night.

As people get older, they start to stop being interested in those of young people. Interests such as modern music, fashion, computer games become all too exciting, and they retreat into Radio 2, gardening and moaning about the young people today, and how everything was so much nicer in their day. When, of course, it wasn’t.
In a similar way, the same has happened to me. I used to know how to relate, but now I’m too old to truly understand. Leave me now, I must watch The Golden Girls.

Bacon bits and sour cream can sod right off, cheese is the premier foodstuff known to humankind. It’s a little known fact that cheese was invented in 1937, a by-product of the germ warfare boom, by Albert Hoffman, more famous for synthesizing LSD. However, with a child’s chemistry set and a lot of care, you can process some cheeses into mind bending chemicals. The exact details are a closely guarded secret by Glaxo Wellcome.
Bob knows all, you infidel. Never question him again.

My sexiness has been achieved by years of selfless sacrifice, hard work, a keen eye and plenty of female hormones stolen from research labs from all across Europe I have no idea why you’re so sexy, living in that fetid pit surrounded by dismembered corgis and old copies of Hello! That being said, nice one son.

Since Raging Bull, I think. Strange how in all this time, so few people have noticed, and most of them swore to a vow of silence.

You’re an annoying Disney character, I’m some kind of mythical beast created in the mind of a Pulitzer prize winning author. I’m not entirely sure it matters, but it fills the otherwise vast emptiness of existence. Care for a mint?