questions 181 to 190
question from Lustii Herring
How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a taxi?
A man more gentile than myself would say “7!”. Sadly, normal service can not be resumed in time for the 2012 olympic games, despite all assurances being made by the proper authorities, at the proper time, and on the proper - and rose-scented, though this is optional - paper.
Imagine life now, go on, imagine it. Don’t complain to me that you don’t have to imagine it as it’s happening as it happens, that’s beside the point. To the other side of the point is a small Norwegian rabbit by the name of Olaf, who is slowly dying of myxomatosis. As you can see, the point is flanked by a diseased bunny and an abstract concept of reality.
Tell me this, would you challenge this point’s authority?
That sovereignty comes from the universe - each passing moment beds the point in as divine, the longer you stop to think about it the more powerful it is. If you wanted to do something, you should have put up your fight 158 years ago, at the time of the big bang.
Imagine life now, go on, imagine it. Don’t complain to me that you don’t have to imagine it as it’s happening as it happens, that’s beside the point. To the other side of the point is a small Norwegian rabbit by the name of Olaf, who is slowly dying of myxomatosis. As you can see, the point is flanked by a diseased bunny and an abstract concept of reality.
Tell me this, would you challenge this point’s authority?
That sovereignty comes from the universe - each passing moment beds the point in as divine, the longer you stop to think about it the more powerful it is. If you wanted to do something, you should have put up your fight 158 years ago, at the time of the big bang.
question from stacy
what’s the word on the street about eyebrow combing?
It’s the heppest thing in the tri-counties, never mind the street!
For those too uncool to be in the loop, eyebrow combing is scouring celebrity eyebrows in search of rare or valuable treasure. Armed with only a rake, metal detector and theodolite, daring hunters go in search of shiny objects buried deep in the hirsute forehead underliners.
In just the last few days, the following hauls of goodness have been uncovered: In Samuel L Jackson’s left brow was spotted the Elgin marbles, Mr R Snugget of Nottingham found a signed copy of Mein Kampf in Condaleeza Rice’s furry eye curtains and this very morning JP2’s kissing-lips were peacefully exhumed from Jeremy Irons’ hairy underscores.
Universally recognised as the finest spoils ever to come from a bushy peeper-protector was found by Ms Julie Baptisermat in the heady days of 1964, when she found the set used for faking the moon landings slipped nonchalantly in a box of hair left over from JFK’s assassination, tucked neatly inside what was left of the dead president’s sticky monobrow. A fine booty indeed, and we salute you, Ms B.
For those too uncool to be in the loop, eyebrow combing is scouring celebrity eyebrows in search of rare or valuable treasure. Armed with only a rake, metal detector and theodolite, daring hunters go in search of shiny objects buried deep in the hirsute forehead underliners.
In just the last few days, the following hauls of goodness have been uncovered: In Samuel L Jackson’s left brow was spotted the Elgin marbles, Mr R Snugget of Nottingham found a signed copy of Mein Kampf in Condaleeza Rice’s furry eye curtains and this very morning JP2’s kissing-lips were peacefully exhumed from Jeremy Irons’ hairy underscores.
Universally recognised as the finest spoils ever to come from a bushy peeper-protector was found by Ms Julie Baptisermat in the heady days of 1964, when she found the set used for faking the moon landings slipped nonchalantly in a box of hair left over from JFK’s assassination, tucked neatly inside what was left of the dead president’s sticky monobrow. A fine booty indeed, and we salute you, Ms B.
question from big shirtless col
I’ve been thinking, which of these scenes from my life would you sugest as being worth recording and used as my ringtone?
Me at beach, looking at a pensioner
Shouting through a heavy scarf?
Swallowing a bobble hat?
Shelled boiled egg in Tupperware.
Fridge on dump
Tyre round lamp post in gale.
Small dog with head in bucket
Trilby in lake
Sock behind dresser
Chelsea boot in dog muck
Cowboy on stair lift, laughing at a sea horse
Nazi up chimney
Vicar chastising a pensioner for exuberant hymning
Miner with a lisp asking for some corn.
Ghandi on a treadmill wearing one platform boot and one slightly worn espadrille with corn flakes glued to the sole
A cat in a bomber jacket watching the snooker.
a maharajah majestically soldering benkas to a B52
a sheriff being sick in a vw polo
All the kings’ horses and all the kings men trying to get into Bentley’s with only one ticket.
The seven seas of rye
Deputy dog playing billiards with a threadworm…. in the late afternoon twilight (for atmosphere)
A train ticket to Manchester with the corner chewed off.
The bishop of Stortford with a cat on his lap watching the racing.
A London bus conductor doing the river dance on a sea of Japanese tourist’s cufflinks
16 men on a dead mans chest
Garry Moore ticking the no publicity box on his pools coupon
Brian ferry thinking about buying some pears
The click of an old ladies elbow as she wings for a home run
Leo sayer’s ladder falling onto Fonzy’s leather jacket
Keron dyer say no to a catalogue sales woman
Those magnificent men in their flying machines.
99 red balloons
Good ole’ boys never meaning no harm
Whiskey in the jar
Colin Welland kicking the hell out of an ape
A lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold
A bustle in the hedgerow
Time healing all ills
Fortune favouring the wise
The soft caress of a woman as she wipes her dying fathers arse
Half a pound of tupenny rice
Tiddly om pom pom
The popping of a weasel
A bird in your hand doing it on your wrist
Night time over an out door cludgy in Spain
My green hat
A tiny mouse reading its stars…. same again
Paul Daniels liking it, but not a lot
D’Arcy bustle dancing the fandango over Mr Punch in the bath
That bloke off brush strokes being sued for fraud
Willis talking ’bout stuff
A camp man shouting at a bush
Sid James laughing at a kestrel’s diary
A black mans skirt being lifted in fright
The laughter as peter bowls gets into yet more hospital based scrapes.
Laughing only when it hurts
The boat coming in
Fishy falling off dishy
Bobby Moore nicking Anna fords apple
An elephant writing to the local ombudsman about corn being uncut and a danger to pachyderms eyes.
My left foot
Everybody dancing….. NOW
The UN deciding on which biscuit to have and Uganda shouting for pink wafers….. AGAIN
Kofi Annan stashing his bourbons
The cast of friends ignoring the Nike adverts and not “doing it”.
Dame Edna everidge painting Aristotle onassis’ bike:
Many a mickel making a muckle
A dog making a bolt for an open door. They are good at metal work
Shylock taking a pound of flesh back to the shop to swap for a chuckle brothers DVD
Time, waiting for that special man.
A dentist with a haversack trying to get the straps just right
Gloria Gaynor’s boyfriend just going.
Strange ways prison being ordinary
The Kubla Khan phoning to complain about a moody lintel in his new pleasure dome.
The London eye being lazy.
Me at beach, looking at a pensioner
Shouting through a heavy scarf?
Swallowing a bobble hat?
Shelled boiled egg in Tupperware.
Fridge on dump
Tyre round lamp post in gale.
Small dog with head in bucket
Trilby in lake
Sock behind dresser
Chelsea boot in dog muck
Cowboy on stair lift, laughing at a sea horse
Nazi up chimney
Vicar chastising a pensioner for exuberant hymning
Miner with a lisp asking for some corn.
Ghandi on a treadmill wearing one platform boot and one slightly worn espadrille with corn flakes glued to the sole
A cat in a bomber jacket watching the snooker.
a maharajah majestically soldering benkas to a B52
a sheriff being sick in a vw polo
All the kings’ horses and all the kings men trying to get into Bentley’s with only one ticket.
The seven seas of rye
Deputy dog playing billiards with a threadworm…. in the late afternoon twilight (for atmosphere)
A train ticket to Manchester with the corner chewed off.
The bishop of Stortford with a cat on his lap watching the racing.
A London bus conductor doing the river dance on a sea of Japanese tourist’s cufflinks
16 men on a dead mans chest
Garry Moore ticking the no publicity box on his pools coupon
Brian ferry thinking about buying some pears
The click of an old ladies elbow as she wings for a home run
Leo sayer’s ladder falling onto Fonzy’s leather jacket
Keron dyer say no to a catalogue sales woman
Those magnificent men in their flying machines.
99 red balloons
Good ole’ boys never meaning no harm
Whiskey in the jar
Colin Welland kicking the hell out of an ape
A lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold
A bustle in the hedgerow
Time healing all ills
Fortune favouring the wise
The soft caress of a woman as she wipes her dying fathers arse
Half a pound of tupenny rice
Tiddly om pom pom
The popping of a weasel
A bird in your hand doing it on your wrist
Night time over an out door cludgy in Spain
My green hat
A tiny mouse reading its stars…. same again
Paul Daniels liking it, but not a lot
D’Arcy bustle dancing the fandango over Mr Punch in the bath
That bloke off brush strokes being sued for fraud
Willis talking ’bout stuff
A camp man shouting at a bush
Sid James laughing at a kestrel’s diary
A black mans skirt being lifted in fright
The laughter as peter bowls gets into yet more hospital based scrapes.
Laughing only when it hurts
The boat coming in
Fishy falling off dishy
Bobby Moore nicking Anna fords apple
An elephant writing to the local ombudsman about corn being uncut and a danger to pachyderms eyes.
My left foot
Everybody dancing….. NOW
The UN deciding on which biscuit to have and Uganda shouting for pink wafers….. AGAIN
Kofi Annan stashing his bourbons
The cast of friends ignoring the Nike adverts and not “doing it”.
Dame Edna everidge painting Aristotle onassis’ bike:
Many a mickel making a muckle
A dog making a bolt for an open door. They are good at metal work
Shylock taking a pound of flesh back to the shop to swap for a chuckle brothers DVD
Time, waiting for that special man.
A dentist with a haversack trying to get the straps just right
Gloria Gaynor’s boyfriend just going.
Strange ways prison being ordinary
The Kubla Khan phoning to complain about a moody lintel in his new pleasure dome.
The London eye being lazy.
My top five, in descending order of aural beauty:
- 16 men on a dead mans chest
- Cowboy on stair lift, laughing at a sea horse
- A camp man shouting at a bush
- Strange ways prison being ordinary
- Me at beach, looking at a pensioner
On a personal note, I look forward to your inevitable autobiography. Because we certainly wouldn’t want a manual one.
- 16 men on a dead mans chest
- Cowboy on stair lift, laughing at a sea horse
- A camp man shouting at a bush
- Strange ways prison being ordinary
- Me at beach, looking at a pensioner
On a personal note, I look forward to your inevitable autobiography. Because we certainly wouldn’t want a manual one.
question from big shirtless col
I was watching Garry Moore ticking the no publicity box on his pools coupon the other day when it occurred to me just how slow ants are at replying to letters. Now, I’m not complaining, I know they are busy lads but really, is it too much to ask for a prompt acknowledgment of my missive. Also, I saw Sid James laughing at a kestrel’s diary on Monday last, he said he was laughing because they always spell ship wrong. Is this true?
Quite true, yet there is more. Sid James, being one of the growing hoards of undead comic actors and singers*, was clearly up to no good.
Are you quite sure it was a kestrel’s diary he was cackling over? More likely, given the voodoo circumstances, he was reading the necromicon. Sometimes mistranslated as “book of the dead”, this actually means “book of the deeds”; with so many walking corpses rotting around the place, they need somewhere to live. After a drunken conversation with some militant house-breakers, the living dead decided on a campaign of squatting in your house or flat until you broke down, possibly in tears, and handed over ownership to them. The theory being it’s better to live on the street than to share a bed with someone who leaves a putrefying stain on the sheets every morning.
*Not to suggest Sidney was a singer, rather dead singers have a chance of returning and lusting after our juicy brains.
Recently, this has happened to Aaliyah, Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez, Johnny Cash and Elton John.
Are you quite sure it was a kestrel’s diary he was cackling over? More likely, given the voodoo circumstances, he was reading the necromicon. Sometimes mistranslated as “book of the dead”, this actually means “book of the deeds”; with so many walking corpses rotting around the place, they need somewhere to live. After a drunken conversation with some militant house-breakers, the living dead decided on a campaign of squatting in your house or flat until you broke down, possibly in tears, and handed over ownership to them. The theory being it’s better to live on the street than to share a bed with someone who leaves a putrefying stain on the sheets every morning.
*Not to suggest Sidney was a singer, rather dead singers have a chance of returning and lusting after our juicy brains.
Recently, this has happened to Aaliyah, Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez, Johnny Cash and Elton John.
question from ratan
I think I broke my foot. Do you agree?
I agree, you do think you broke your foot. But the question that remains, and some would suggest is beyond the scope of this most glorious or wisdom-pods, is did you actually-factually-draculally break your foot?
Maybe.
Other suggestions involve your foot’s heart being broken, or its resolve, or quite dramatically, its bank. Casinos don’t care for it, neither I suspect would your leg-ends.
Maybe.
Other suggestions involve your foot’s heart being broken, or its resolve, or quite dramatically, its bank. Casinos don’t care for it, neither I suspect would your leg-ends.
question from London Posture
A shit writer eaten by his own biro, poetic justice.
A woman who had avoided falling in volcanoes all her life, falling in a volcanoe, a bitter and flaming irony. Mel Smith playing a dodgy bar owner in an ITV thing, serious miscasting. Chris Moyles. These are some bad things, could you tell me what some good things are beacause Im starting to forget.
A woman who had avoided falling in volcanoes all her life, falling in a volcanoe, a bitter and flaming irony. Mel Smith playing a dodgy bar owner in an ITV thing, serious miscasting. Chris Moyles. These are some bad things, could you tell me what some good things are beacause Im starting to forget.
Here is an exhaustive list of goodness in the world, as of… wait for it… wait… hang on… just a second… almost there… now!
- Steve Guttenberg with an ingrown toenail.
- Suggs, jugs and mugs (only when combined).
- Kangaroo courts, featuring possum barristers and wombat ushers.
- Socks.
- Yoga fire.
- Kimi Räikkönen giving an interview.
- Steve Guttenberg with an ingrown toenail.
- Suggs, jugs and mugs (only when combined).
- Kangaroo courts, featuring possum barristers and wombat ushers.
- Socks.
- Yoga fire.
- Kimi Räikkönen giving an interview.
question from Hastings Mesh
I had a dream last night that Derek Acorah and Johnathan Edward were buried up to their necks in my front garden, this wouldnt be a problem if Colin Fry, who I had planted ages ago, didnt find out and throw monsterous hissy-fit.
He wont even pretend to talk to my dead relatives or sing for me anymore. how will I get through the rainy season without flowerbed-medium singsong?
He wont even pretend to talk to my dead relatives or sing for me anymore. how will I get through the rainy season without flowerbed-medium singsong?
Traditionally, this is more of a question for your common or garden Titchmarsh or Gavin, but they have fallen out of favour for impersonating bloodless dynamo-catching hippos. The whole scenario was tragic and ultimately regrettable for the green-toothed pair and is exclusive to the gubbins experience repertoire.
The answer to your musically-lacking border muddle is more simple than you might imagine; the fog of fear blinds you and masks the visage of none other than Barry Norman. He is the singing man of your dreams, a film-reviewing songmeister from beyond all human experience.
The answer to your musically-lacking border muddle is more simple than you might imagine; the fog of fear blinds you and masks the visage of none other than Barry Norman. He is the singing man of your dreams, a film-reviewing songmeister from beyond all human experience.
question from Laura
I’m really confused, what does the word gubbins mean to you? it’s my last name, i must be lucky i guess
Mr dear Ms Gubbins!
Not only are you lucky, but you also suit that hairstyle perfectly. Nice shoes, too. To me, gubbins is a labour of love; a sometimes painful service that I offer at no charge to the world. But most of all, it is a word that inspires the powerful; invigorates the lazy and lubricates the perfected.
Truly, it is some things to some men.
Not only are you lucky, but you also suit that hairstyle perfectly. Nice shoes, too. To me, gubbins is a labour of love; a sometimes painful service that I offer at no charge to the world. But most of all, it is a word that inspires the powerful; invigorates the lazy and lubricates the perfected.
Truly, it is some things to some men.
question from DAVE BENSON-PHILLIPS
Considering toast always falls butter side down and cats always land on their feet,what would happen if you butter a cat?
Such an experiment was performed by Sir Roger Daltry, on Horaldo the Balinese kitten, who he successfully rescued from Linda Barker’s abattoir after a dawn raid by Napoleon’s ghost.
An impressive collection of scientific luminaries were assembled by Sir Rog, who where literally aghast to see that the cat bobbed up and down approximately 1.4 metres in the air while on its side. A look of profound confusion appeared on the little cat’s furry face, and several human tears were shed.
An impressive collection of scientific luminaries were assembled by Sir Rog, who where literally aghast to see that the cat bobbed up and down approximately 1.4 metres in the air while on its side. A look of profound confusion appeared on the little cat’s furry face, and several human tears were shed.
question from Mrs Miggins, the gay lady of the night that will for a price satisfy both men and women and occasional a small household pet with a learning disorder
Cheese is a forfront statutory diet of the well endowed child of greater borneo, but do you think in your personal opinion that an HB pencil has the correct lead content that is much needed for a parchment full of dried ink? although the scriptures do say that an apple will stop a cow from flying off a pair of skiies while surfing on a concrete sock. But joking aside, will this change the climate around neptura and your anus?
Your comments please!!!
Your comments please!!!
I have no comment at this time.