mousehands : ask philip

questions 141 to 150

question from Sir Ivan Cot Death

Hello, do you have these in a size 10? Right, thanks. Hi again. Yes, certainly. Thanks. Yes, that feels fine, I’ll take them. OK, no problem. Do you accept credit cards? OK, just let me get that. Here we are. Yes. Right then, that’s lovely, thanks. Bye!
Glad to be of service, Sir Death.

By a staggering coincidence, this is exactly the half of the conversation I had with a badger named Greg some six weeks ago while we were both on remand for crimes against limericks.

This question was asked on 21 March 2005 and answered 1 week and 1 day later on 30 March 2005.

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question from Dr Martin X Forum

How on earth do they make that vocal effect which sounds like vomiting, farting and speaking all at the same time!
By drinking goo made from vomit, unwanted political speeches and gasses of the underclass.

It’s a kind of beige colour.

This question was asked on 1 March 2005 and answered 4 weeks later on 30 March 2005.

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question from MNX

FUNEM? FUNEX?
Fully Unabashed Numerical Empirical Machinery?
Fanatical Underwear National Embarrassment Xenon?

FUNEX, please! I loves noble gasses.

This question was asked on 28 February 2005 and answered 4 weeks and 1 day later on 30 March 2005.

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question from big shirtless col

My Butler told me the other day that 90% of dust in a house is dead skin cells that I j=have sloughed of in the night. If this is true then why when I gathered all this detritus together did it not resemble me in the slightest? Is my Butler lying to me (again) or has someone else been in my flat? Also I went to my mates flat and he had loads of dust but Ive never slept there. Has he been stealing my dust for nefarious voodoo practices? please help, Im at my wits end.
Everyone loves dust, but only one person in a generation has the gift that allows them the title of Almighty Dust Giver. This, my young sir, is you.

While you must be shocked at the weight of the responsibility that this places on your naked shoulders, it is for you and you alone to bear.

Now go! Go and spread your dust across the land; bring joy to the masses!

This question was asked on 23 February 2005 and answered 1 month and 4 days later on 30 March 2005.

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question from Ratan

I’m bored between classes, on campus and have no access to MSN.

So, the question that needs to be asked is thusly. Why did the homeless man freeze to death instead of sleeping on a heating grate?
Homeless men are notoriously stupid, otherwise they would have homes. Unlike certain Japanese monkeys, they are incapable of realising that heat is warmer than cold. As you are no doubt aware, these apes of the rising sun regularly sit in the hot springs to keep away the fierce winter cold.

Do you hear me, homeless? Even monkeys are better than you, and they lack even the most basic notions of duck down quilting and bedsocks.

This question was asked on 10 February 2005 and answered 1 month and 3 days later on 30 March 2005.

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question from Mrs Mittens

Angela Lansbury has the sort of face that needs a good slap. Therefore by showing Murder She Wrote week day afternoons, the BBC are encouraging violent tendancies from the licence fee paying public which just cant be right. That said, my question is: Would you say a cat with a head that is clearly too small for his body is a genetic mutant or just a freak of nature. A pinhead if you will.
Your pre-question statement gives me pause. While it is not well known outside of Shropshire, Ms Lansbury was the first ever pinhead; a feat not since matched.

Her genes were spliced with that of Mister Mittens, the second greatest cat ever to have held office of school inspector general and heir to the throne of Bristol-under-thyme. Nature, sadly, had little to do with MM’s pinhead condition and while they denied all involvement Huntingdon Life Sciences were also unaware of this breakthrough.

Work is currently under way to create a new pinhead kitten with a face even smaller than Angela herself. Keep your eyes firmly on the gubbins experience for news as it undresses.

This question was asked on 5 February 2005 and answered 1 month and 1 day later on 30 March 2005.

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question from Zapslackmotherfocker

Do vets have favourite animals? If so - would they give preferential treatment to that particular beast?
Vets favourite creatures are well known to be based on the first letter of their name, as seen in this brief excerpt from my best-selling book…
  • Orphelia would like owls
  • Partario would like peregrine falcons
  • Quentin would like quails
  • Reginald would like rubber chickens
  • Suzanne would like squirrels
To win a copy of book, answers on a postcard.

This question was asked on 3 March 2005 and answered at an unknown time.

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question from Zapslackmotherf*cker

Why was the last article added 20 weeks ago? Have you run out of steam?
The date of the article represents the moment in time that the article was added. This is the one dimensional passage of time, as first proposed in J. Edgar Hoover’s seminal work “Dishwashing and Microphones: A Study of Marlon Brandon in 19th Century Venician Puddles”. As you no doubt are aware, this caused an uproar in physics circles (notably squatter and more turgid than mathematical circles, they being mostly spherical and brown in nature) due to its narrative qualities and pasta stains on pages 87 to 112.

In the decades since it was published, Hoov’s book has been accepted by pretty much everyone as the definitive version of events as they unwrinkled. As such, 20 weeks ago is the optimal time for an article to be posted and it will always remain so as long as Eddy remains respected by all.

This question was asked on 3 February 2005 and answered 2 weeks and 4 days later on 22 February 2005.

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question from big shirtless col

what, from this list, would be your ideal name for a band?
The Simon park orchestra (eye level),
choppa the fat,
purple Elvis,
grape shot,
massive injury,
ten horse shoot out,
my mams scabby hand,
30 foot leg,
the tiny bun,
westlers pork footwear,
light switch,
rubber wife,
the speeches of Winston Churchill,
Grotbags stole my BMX, red hot tea pot,
flaccid cow,
big gearstick,
the random tooth project,
plastic pubes and the fresh prince of bell end,
Giant dad,
goose arse,
Jeramy Beadles sinister hand,
soapy tit wank,
pit prop.
I personally favour ten horse shoot out, it reminds me of when I were a nipper.
If I had answered this sooner, I most likely would have chosen “the random tooth project”. A fan of projects as I admit to be, until the vile creature that is Jimmy Carr(terr) usurped the fine word to his own end and quite literally shat upon my kitchen floor in the process.

Let there be no doubt, Mr Carr is a bad man.

In light of this, I must now select “red hot tea pot”, as I enjoy the way it sounds upon leaving my mouth.

This question was asked on 12 January 2005 and answered 1 month and 3 days later on 22 February 2005.

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question from Beyer Hamlet

Do you not know that most of the all florid, wordy questions definatly are asked by the same exact idiot? and if your dont not, should you? should I? and where?
The only way you could know that for sure is to be the exact idiot, the precise fool, the decisive moron, the conclusive cretin, the categorical git wizard is for you to be that fool.

It would be a shame to have your eyes revealed to the world as a titty biscuit and for there to be no doubt. Would it not?

However, if it keeps you happy I must cry out “continue!” while at the same time performing my community service.

This question was asked on 21 September 2004 and answered 5 months and 3 days later on 22 February 2005.

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