questions 131 to 140
question from gubbins
I’m Gubbins of the Gubbins Cartel - who the fuck are you? don’t go claiming you’ve got some uber gub thing going on cos it wouldn’t be nice. would it?
I am Ask Philip of The Gubbins Experience.
Nice or not, the previous answer remains my official policy.
Nice or not, the previous answer remains my official policy.
question from jesus
Do you (or any of your associates) have a beard?
If so, do you fancy joining the Beard Club (based in Leeds)?
If so, do you fancy joining the Beard Club (based in Leeds)?
Do you have strict rules about what classifies a beard?
There was a great debate in the office over the question of should a simple lack of shaving be classified as a beard, or is it a positive act? Or it could be a state of mind - the discussion quickly devolved into a bloodbath that still gives me nightmares and the topic at hand remained firmly unresolved.
There was a great debate in the office over the question of should a simple lack of shaving be classified as a beard, or is it a positive act? Or it could be a state of mind - the discussion quickly devolved into a bloodbath that still gives me nightmares and the topic at hand remained firmly unresolved.
question from Huckley Shebang
I have the pain in lower legs (feet) can I be helped of you. no? please exuse my english, I am being turned into the foreign by wolves.
All I can suggest is to rub elk juice into your eyes. This should reduce the pain and give you a new perspective on the reuse of plots in Eastenders. I do empathise about the attack of the foreign, or to give its technical name - Daily Mail Syndrome.
question from Casper Moriarty
Some Egyptians were very tall and others very short this is true of many people, so why does Justin Hawkins claim parts of my garden as his own?
Also, What do you see when you turn out the light? If its the Darkness, can I have one of them for some light farm work?
Also, What do you see when you turn out the light? If its the Darkness, can I have one of them for some light farm work?
As a country with a long and dubious history, the UK has some strange laws. Most involve ducks and their ownership of cattle or peasant’s teeth, but sometimes spandex is the focus of this archaic legislation. Under the Spandex and Personal Lawn Space Act (1682), known spandex-clad aristocrats are given arbitary control over the grassy parts of all gardens in their fiefdom or barony.
So while Mr Hawkins is technically correct, this argument is unlikely to stand up in court. Not even with the most deranged and drunken judge.
I no longer see the darkness, as I purchased Orbital’s head-mounted torches in their closing down sale that was held after their final Brixton Academy gig; along with the baseline from Chime and the vocal bits from Lush 3-2.
So while Mr Hawkins is technically correct, this argument is unlikely to stand up in court. Not even with the most deranged and drunken judge.
I no longer see the darkness, as I purchased Orbital’s head-mounted torches in their closing down sale that was held after their final Brixton Academy gig; along with the baseline from Chime and the vocal bits from Lush 3-2.
question from Nyman Glitterbox
Why am I going first Derek?
Because you’ve been here the longest. Here’s the order: first Derek, second Derek, third Derek. This continues right up to fifty-seven Derek, when contrary to expectations it carries on as badger Derek, badger Rupert, badger Michael, badger Edwin and ends some time later with badger Lemmy.
question from Ron Gubbins
So, are you a Gubbins or are you just infatuated with the name?
I am every Gubbins! The Meta-Gubbins if you will. Or, if you prefer, the Ãœber-Gubbins. The total and complete culmination of every Gubbins to ever walk the planet. Can you not tell?
question from david robinson
Are you gay? Do you still work for RIM?
Do I look gay? The polite lady at the shop said this leather outfit with the arse cheeks missing go perfectly with my rakishly angled equally leather cap. It really does attract the ladies.
I am forever at RIM. RIM is as much a part of me as I am part of the Great Barrier Reef.
I am forever at RIM. RIM is as much a part of me as I am part of the Great Barrier Reef.
question from Dirty Boy
Do you feel your life has improved since I worked with you at Yorkshire Evening Post or are you still egg bound?
Life is grey and dull since the gas filled, heady days or YEP yore. Who can get up in the morning and face not being in that pit of creative expression and self worth boosting nirvana?
Not I! Please take me back, mysterious one. Please. Oh, please oh please.
Not I! Please take me back, mysterious one. Please. Oh, please oh please.
question from Poy-Poy Pappergaskill
Also, how much is that doggy in the window, and how was he so successfully bonded within the glass?
We have two dogs for you to choose from today, and they are both 50% off. Firstly, there’s a fine looking pedigree Cão da Serra da Estrela, eight weeks old from the house of Rap San Su. His name is Emperor Proust von Atteroy III, or Roy for short. He was bred from a long line of dogs spliced with Egyptian panes.
Alternatively, we have a runt half breed Shitzu/Corgi terrier with all kinds of diseases and several dangerous opinions about freedom of information and traffic policing. He was born into an ill-fitting vodka bottle and has grown with no back legs to speak of.
At half price, each will be a bargain and a talking point for obnoxious garden parties with or without Phil Collins.
Alternatively, we have a runt half breed Shitzu/Corgi terrier with all kinds of diseases and several dangerous opinions about freedom of information and traffic policing. He was born into an ill-fitting vodka bottle and has grown with no back legs to speak of.
At half price, each will be a bargain and a talking point for obnoxious garden parties with or without Phil Collins.
question from Poy-Poy Pappergaskill
Brian Ferry was so enamoured by the level of sheen I achieved about his genitalia he fell sobbing to my feet and and attempted to buff my area in kind. Though not unpleasant his work has left me with testicles of such luminosity that a simple stroll along a boulavard can cause massive time displacment and the blinding of gulls and suchlike.I have buried my self to the waist under brighton pier, for this is the only solution I have to date. I type this as a heavy rain beginning to fall severely moistening a nest of housemartins whose mother I destroyed with my hideous nad beams. Please help me dull myself without submegence. Too many have perished. If not for me then for the the little ones.
This an all too common story. And here’s my suggestion.
First, you need to constuct traditional Roman scaffolding to just above your knees. Adorn it with berries and figs and give it a good solid coating of elk’s urine. Wait until the desired effect has taken place, then build up from the top of the scaffold with press photographs of Dani Behr and the cast of Goodness Gracious Me until your full groinal area is nowhere to be seen by the naked eye. Wrap the whole kaboodle up in the finest Kevlar.
Brian will not know what to do and within several weeks will have eloped to Benelux.
First, you need to constuct traditional Roman scaffolding to just above your knees. Adorn it with berries and figs and give it a good solid coating of elk’s urine. Wait until the desired effect has taken place, then build up from the top of the scaffold with press photographs of Dani Behr and the cast of Goodness Gracious Me until your full groinal area is nowhere to be seen by the naked eye. Wrap the whole kaboodle up in the finest Kevlar.
Brian will not know what to do and within several weeks will have eloped to Benelux.