mousehands : ask philip

questions 101 to 110

question from David Telephone

Can you see ahead of you? Do you see the road?
Do you see a naked monk washing pipe cleaners in a paddling pool?

Do you see Peter Piper poking his peck at pickle pornography? Do you see little Jack Horner, sat in the corner trying to chew mortar and dust? Do you see little Bo Peep, who’s lost her sheep, screaming and stabbing her arm? Do you hear Mother Goose abusing her manservant? Do you see Nelly the elephant packing her trunk with smack filled condoms? Do you see little Billy Bunting at a countryside alliance rally? Do you see Humpty Dumpy being poached by three blind mice on the first day of Christmas? Any umbrella’s?
No. Yes. Yes. YesYesNoYesNo. No. Yes. Plenty.

The question was asked sometime and answered on 15 September 2003.

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question from Dani

Whuh?
I can but shrug.

This question was asked on 21 August 2002 and answered at an unknown time.

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question from Khelmut Vasserry

Driving through my quarry yesterday, I was recognized by a workman who sidled up to me and cried “thistle” I was about to return the greeting as small blue man (a sprite perhaps?)poked his head from the traders mouthpiece and
claimed “If you put a severed face in a piano the devil will iron your grandmother”
Is this correct, or was the little urchin fibbing me blind? Also can you recommend a good place I could get a ships engine? I’d like to know, I’ve been thinking about getting one for my attic for some time now and you know how difficult they are to make!
All blue men lie, this is a fact no matter of their size. Those Intel adverts? Lies. You don’t need a Pentium 4 to get decent net access. Everyone knows you need a 68040.

And the devil will not iron your grandmother, she is safe. The devil, in that situation alone, will repaint your woodwork an unpleasant shade of mauve.

You have been warned.

Regarding the ship’s engine - I’d recommend Ipswich. There’s more botanical gardens there than golf sales.

This question was asked on 5 August 2002 and answered at an unknown time.

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question from Stelios Mandela

Every morning at sunrise for the last eighty-two years, I make my path down to the black moors, where I set about polishing our villages silk statue of Brian Ferry. My work is largely unappreciated, but I enjoy it nonetheless.
My question is this, how can I best go about improving the sheen around his genitalia? we like to make the effort for when the former Roxy front man comes to stay.
Brian Ferry is a particular man. Not to say that is is a specific person in an actual body, we know he is this. Rather, he is a man of standards. A man of grace, charm and a rather 18th century idealism regarding tableware.

I am happy you went to such detail, as most of it was largely superfluous. Like a badger with a really nice pistol, or a politician with a conscience.

This is a question about silk. Silk is this: The Devil’s Fabric. And what does the devil like? He likes nectarines. What do apricots have? Furry skin. What else has furry skin? Mink. What are mink bred for? To make expensive coats. Where do you go for expensive cleaning? A dry cleaners.

This is your answer. Get the statue dry cleaned, and Mr Ferry will be most pleased.

This question was asked on 30 July 2002 and answered at an unknown time.

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question from Hulio Domestos

If Kristoff has three apples and Choi-ping has nine apples, Why do I keep winking?
Without knowing how many apples Ira and Kevin have, I can’t say. It’s not much help, I admit, but I’m under contract here! I have a glue gun if you want a forceful way of stopping your unrequested eyelid movements.

This question was asked on 30 July 2002 and answered at an unknown time.

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question from din-dong

periods?
You’re asking me about periods? What kind of insensitive clod are you, you freak? You come in here, looking all “ooh, I’m so clean like I’ve just had a shower,” only to make it worse by having a bunch of towels on your person.

There are people in Miami who have never seen water, let alone felt warm droplets fall on them from right above their damn head!. So next time, stop and think for a while before telling me, ME, that you’re too damp to do deliver our newsletter, or too naked to bribe a government official.

I’ve seen it all before, you slut! And every time, it ends with me having to do your dirty work, while you stand there with shampoo oozing down your back. I bet you get up to no good too, while I slave away for no thanks what so ever.

Have you seen the state of my underwear?

That’s what periods are all about, and damn it, I demand some respect, some pain killers and someone to mop up the stains on the carpet. And if that’s not you, get the hell out of my room, cause I have nothing to say to you from now on, bitch. You hear me? Out! Get the hell out, now! I am so sick of your sarcasm and towels flapping around while I’m here in a pool of my own blood.

And don’t tell me it’s not all mine. Do you want to get arrested? Do you?

This question was asked on 22 July 2002 and answered at an unknown time.

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question from Paul

philip, i need help. i was just cruising in my winnebago, when shock horror my hands turned into withered potatoes. even sadder was the fact that my mouse who i was travelling with turned into the venus di milo. however my question is this: where did you get those curtains from?
Do you like them? I made them from Julia Robert’s chest hair, then stained them with the blood of the innocent.

What’s great is, not only do they look exactly how I wanted, they are so warm on winter nights. To boot.

This question was asked on 11 July 2002 and answered at an unknown time.

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question from no

May I beg your forgiveness? what I meant to express previously was that the requested celebrities have been extinguished, my conformation of the deeds for some reason manifesting themselves in the form of disjointed prose. I apologize for any inconvenience.
The inconvenience was nothing compared to the time I got the Paris Metro stuffed in my pants by a Norwegian freedom fighter and his streetwalking posse.

Remind me to tell you all about that some day… it’s terribly funny, though I am still unable to sit or breathe without support from the national lottery handouts.

This question was asked on 30 June 2002 and answered at an unknown time.

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question from no

â€I can remember bad trees, a sudden mong of light and a frowzy tableau, the tycoon just seemed to leap from his shoulders to the mustard basket, I stood struck dumb by my deed. The next thing I remember is being lead by the knees down the familiar narrow gangway between the opposing louse wands and thrown into the cell where I was to be interviewed. â€The young man interviewing me was not more than three feet tall and appeared to have no garden, his first question was that of nigh time preference, the glistening black stone of dusk or the chalk lined freeze of an empty backroom ghost-hog, I answered on horseback and fled to the wrist winds where I imploded. The following morning I was woken by gunshot from outside, I danced to the cell window and examined the scene, a horse, or to be more precise a hunched rider on what I first took to be some kind of tall pig was present, that turned to me with its long face and said â€hors†so I took that to be a sign. The firearm owner (and equine passenger) turned out to be the sheriff, who by this time had sharpened and appeared to be carrying a duck under each arm, threatening to hurl them through my window. I fell overâ€
Apology accepted. There was really no need to state your case with such magnitude and varnish. I mean, I wasn’t that big a fan of the Power Puff Girls to start with.

As Dennis Hopper oft says, “Yeesh.”

This question was asked on 30 June 2002 and answered at an unknown time.

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question from GuruFlex

Sir, all of my sea monkeys have got out of their tank and are running a muck in Birmingham, do you think i should ask for help from the local police or just fight them on my own?
I would strongly say to let the police do their job in this case. Sea monkeys are amongst the most dangerous of creatures, and trying to capture such a wily and intelligent foe with a crow bar and sun block would be the craziest idea since bagpipes.

I look forward to seeing your endeavours on Caught on CCTV vol 8.

This question was asked on 28 June 2002 and answered at an unknown time.

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