mousehands : ask philip

questions 91 to 100

question from sweet christ

I am almost ready to make the next big step in my quest for frisbee world domination. I have entered a period of intense training consisting of eating pies whilst wearing a restrictive body suit so all the piefat settles in my arms, making them extremly heavy, thus enabling me to throw a disc ridiculous distances. The only drawback is that the pastry is growing through my nose, making breathing, and more importantly grunting very difficult. How should I alleviate this problem?
As ruler and despot of Frisbee World you must challenge me directly. Where did you get these crazy pastry notions from? Bob Holness, I bet. I should have executed him when I had the chance. What I fool I was to tell him my entire plan while he was strapped into my (flawed, as it turned out) DeathMachine2000, and not just shoot him in the head with a regular hand gun, available from schools everywhere.

But you are weakened! See how you produce strange filling-bubbles when you breathe. Your defeat will be a lesson to all that I can never be deposed.

Dominik Diamond would be ashamed.

This question was asked on 28 June 2002 and answered at an unknown time.

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question from jesus

If music be the food of love, why don’t rabbits play ocarinas?
This is a common misconception. The actual phrase is “Music Bee, food of love.” By this we can clearly see that the ultimate natural or synthesised aphrodisiac would be some kind of worker bee playing beautiful music, possibly Bach, Mozart or Tricky.

Rabbits simply do not get involved, though it is worth noting Maxinquaye is nothing without the 8 minute ocarina solo cut from Aftermath due to legal threats from that most fluffy of global media giants, Disney.

This question was asked on 28 June 2002 and answered at an unknown time.

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question from poultonator

Philip you must help me… i believe that when visiting that local argyle toffee shop, i think i was bitten by a tuk tuk shizzlewimp. I am so scared cause i know not of the side effects, nor what will happen to me . PLEASE help me !!!
Your eyes will fry, your head will lie and your tongue will die. Those who frequent toffee shops deserve the pain. Tsk!

This question was asked on 5 June 2002 and answered at an unknown time.

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question from Craig

When supping half a shandy at my local rub-a-dub-dub a wise old gentleman came to me told me the son of the first badger born under the full moon of june will become the newest member of the U.K. band Atomic Kitten. do you believe the prophecy to be true. From a disgruntled Attomic Kitten fan.
I hope so! Those little tarts need some class in their so called act… Whole Again lacked a certain something, even you must agree.

- badgerFan

This question was asked on 23 May 2002 and answered at an unknown time.

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question from yes

Does the rule of every action having an equal and opposite reaction apply to existence (a sequence of events or event = an action) surely non existence cannot exist?
Only if existence exists in some kind of rational level can the opposite even be entertained.

This question was asked on 6 May 2002 and answered at an unknown time.

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question from no

Is it just me, or are a lot of celebrities dying recently?
It’s just you who’s been killing them off, yeah… Would you please stop, or at least get rid of the following:

Dale Winton
Steve Wright
Anthea Turner
Martha Stewart
Oprah Winfrey

And be quick about it!

This question was asked on 6 May 2002 and answered at an unknown time.

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question from yes

Why does the woman in the radiator feel it necessary to store food in her cheek pouches?,winter is not nearly upon us and there is plenty of mashed potato coming out of that chicken/baby thing.
Did you and Mary have sexual intercourse?

This question was asked on 6 May 2002 and answered at an unknown time.

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question from yes

At what age do headscarves become acceptable?
With childhood disease: 8.
Without: 49.

This question was asked on 6 May 2002 and answered at an unknown time.

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question from yes

A horses head on a stick is actually called polio,true?
True.

How the hell you found out what was supposed to be classified information is a mystery to me, but well done and accept this small child as a token of appreciation for your subversive efforts.

This question was asked on 6 May 2002 and answered at an unknown time.

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question from yes

Am I the son of fun, or the daughter of darkness?
From here, you look like an androgynous offspring of dusk.

This question was asked on 6 May 2002 and answered at an unknown time.

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