mousehands: ask philip

Kami asked philip...

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 19:39:39 +0100

Kami asked: How old am i

philip's answer:

You are the age of the youngest idea, as old as the noblest tear, and slightly younger than Jim Davidson's regret.

Festiniog asked philip...

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 19:38:03 +0100

Festiniog asked: What is the answer if 42 is the question?

philip's answer:

The answer is "eggnog found in Belgian chalet under threat of cancellation due to seepage".

Darlene asked philip...

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 19:37:00 +0100

Darlene asked: What time will my husband finish washing the station?

philip's answer:

Your husband had better keep washing until the station is clean, or you won't be seeing him at all!

Please don't complain, you did sell him to my sanitation conglomerate for the princely price of a packet of chips and a can of dandelion and burdock.

Ruby Powr'fulltel'escope asked philip...

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 10:10:27 +0000

Ruby Powr'fulltel'escope asked: Can Simon Amstell carry Buzzcocks with Lammar's Disembodied arseholishness slowly cranking up the nasty in his curly gay-head?

Also, How many men died in 1986?

philip's answer:

Your first question is only of interest to seven people, other than you. These people are all Heat staff writers, layout artists or the mentally ill. For all your sakes, sever your ties (bow, neck, cravat, silk square: it matters not) with all comedy panel shows. They are eating away at your soul and you will be destroyed.

Ah, 1986. The time of wide shoulders, mobile phones the size of a small fridge and pastels for everyone. It's a fact, hidden by the Illuminati, that no men died in 1986. However, every woman did. If you ever meet a lady claiming to be over the age of 22, treat them with contempt and suspicion.

Jade Goody asked philip...

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 14:06:26 +0000

Jade Goody asked: Ola Senor! My cattle, she have bad sores on her underbelly why everyone look though? Can you do a help in me? The children of Israel direct our thoughts. I can have protection from sun please, she crispy up Maria's totem till she make cry in nightime!!
I dont like asian people.

This quote was taken well out of contekst I never said shit or whatever! You being a sort of internet max clifford, is there Japs chance in heaven you could shape my public image more better or has a hysterical media Gorgon really eaten the face off my non-career? Chinky shit.

philip's answer:

With the obscene length of time it's taken to answer this question, it's now less of a mental challenge than perhaps it once would have been. The clear answer, dearest Jade, is no. You've been cast down into the bargain bin of popular culture, along with Les Dennis and Mark Thatcher. My powers, vast as they so obviously (even to the likes of you) are, are no match for the gargantuan pit you dug for yourself with little or no help from any poppadom-munching/Gere-snogging actress types.

It should also be noted that my hair is considerably less grey than Clifford's.

PS. Chinese people (especially female ones) should go back to Vietnam.

Corby Hip'hop asked philip...

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 13:32:12 +0000

Corby Hip'hop asked: Right at this very now, I am hanging topside down in a butchers window Recieving the bumming of a lifetime from a Hawwian gentleman who apparently
"loves me like a brother" ,
I lost my favourite Aunt in a hilarious car accident (you had to be there) and on the hour my hair catches fire for NO GOOD REASON. Am I suffering enough? or could you suggest some other sufferings to busy myself with?

philip's answer:

Suffering is a subject close to my tortured heart and embittered kidneys.

While widely advertised for artists (along with struggling), suffering is also of use for the general population who want to ride the highs of fortune and know what it means when they're up there. Take Lily Allen. Preferably somewhere far, far away, but for now merely as an example of someone who causes undue suffering to others.

Indirectly, possibly unknowingly, she spreads out misery like Bono and George Cole, making all who experience her bland face and inane words somehow reduced. Take one of these people, transplant them bodily to somewhere fulfilling and worthwhile and their reaction to acceptable stimuli is greater than it would have been.

This works in a similar fashion for ITVs 1 to 4, Abrahamic religions and Drew Carey.

Matt & Luke Goss asked philip...

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 12:08:08 +0000

Matt & Luke Goss asked: Philip Olivier? Say you aint him! To my minds eye you are the bastard lovechild of Mr Burns and Quentin Wilson, sat upon a goldy throne fashioned from bakers skulls and out of date banger racing and opera programs. Say this is the case, or I will skim the milk way past semi!

philip's answer:

What proof would my denial be? My words alone could never convince you of my Olivier-ness or otherwise. You could trust your instinct, but that's no better than praying for divine guidance in what you may hilariously call a god.

What would you say to myself and someone else, in the same room, each claiming that the other is the mysterious Philip Olivier? Would that appease your endless sceptical nature? Well, it should not! For we could be lying and in, as the man says, cahoots.

The only way this argument will ever end is if you have some DNA evidence that you believe to be part of the true Olivier; which is like the true cross, only more wooden.

Big Bob McGruder asked philip...

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 01:44:06 +0000

Big Bob McGruder asked: Why Why Why? Delilah???

philip's answer:

Delilah Smith, Delia's half-sister of whom she doesn't like to be reminded, can't cook. She really is useless in the kitchen, at the cooking. Put her on a unicycle, and that's a whole different matter. It would have to be a big kitchen with a lot of floor space and a very high ceiling, of course.

Okay, forget the kitchen.

In a unicycling and juggling contest, Mrs "I'm so great I only need a first name and I'm in the dictionary" Delia would look like the chump she truly is.

Nici Sterling asked philip...

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 01:29:38 +0000

Nici Sterling asked: Have you ever considered moving to Stockholm?

philip's answer:

All the best places to live have a syndrome.

Given this, it's China or Stockholm. Though I prefer Chinese food over gravlax and would be near to an international motor racing track, I'm less than impressed with their human rights record and would have to pick lovely Sweden.

Some Guy Asking Philip A Question asked philip...

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 01:23:58 +0000

Some Guy Asking Philip A Question asked: Compared to what?

philip's answer:

Compared to, but limited by or with:

Sandra Bullock eating a pastie outside the jobcentre.
A pile of pre-tasted grapes.
The noise a student makes when realising the media is barely worth studying.
Several dead pixels.
Ant and/or Dec.
Stu-stu-stu-studio line.
Romantic bread, baked with love.
The exact dimensions of Andrew Neil's face.

Some anonymous bloke asked philip...

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 01:20:08 +0000

Some anonymous bloke asked: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

philip's answer:

A more relevant question is, how much ground could a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground?

Donnie asked philip...

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 01:14:25 +0000

Donnie asked: So...just how long does it take Mr Ligs to answer a question? ;) Just teasin' ya Philip :)

philip's answer:

3,164 days.

This is one of the lost questions, from the days of the first Ask Philip incarnation when all was done with an email form and statically making the pages, found only when I was updating the question ask dates from the original emails.

Not unlike when the Royal Mail find a letter from 1872, I hope you are impressed and sickened that it could happen in the first place.

kevin kerr asked philip...

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 15:09:12 +0000

kevin kerr asked: hi philip i am one of your biggest fans i was wondering if i could chat to your on the addy i have give to you thanks very much its hotamil not hotmail i spellt it wronge

philip's answer:

Listen to me, Kevin, and listen hard.

My biggest fans have the decency to at least correct their "addies" they have in times of incorrectly entering them. As such, you are clearly a tiny fan; akin to a sprite or leprechaun.

Having said that, I would be honoured if you chatted to my.

James asked philip...

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 15:02:44 +0000

James asked: How many calories in a mouse

philip's answer:

While I am not in a position, from a legal standpoint at least, to give an exact answer to this, I can say it's somewhere between that of a small hazelnut and a woolly mammoth. Mice, do, indeed, provide a tasty snack for all those waiting for a train or in need of a small meal to keep you going until elevenses.

A more relevant question would be to enquire how many Carolines in a mouse. There are three.

the regrub kid asked philip...

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 04:12:27 +0000

the regrub kid asked: In OZ, can an ute can a newt?
Could Canute?

philip's answer:

Canute was a brute, a coot and that you can't refute.

Dave asked philip...

Sat, 09 Sep 2006 18:30:16 +0100

Dave asked: I have been thinking (dont laugh) that instead of bothering to clothe my usual pissy drivel in the sparkling ballgown of a question, I should spend the lifetime of well loved family pet coming up with interesting words or combinations of words.(Some of shirtless col's have gripped me and I refuse to hide my lighter under a bush any more.)

Cardboard box diving into pile of stuntmen.
Longshoreman regretting hasty decision.
Prizewinning marrow.
Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepards bush.
Basic freeview package causing family argument.
Lovesick pirate tracing heart in the sand.
Bucket of wasps.
Pat Cash denying request.
Huskey voiced sparrow.
Me in pensioner, looking at the beach.
The love of a good woman.
Fifty large, in unmarked singles.
Weightlifting ban being lifted.
Melon shipment being catalogued.
Ben Shepard's habitat being mucked out.
Losing my religion,then finding it behind a radiator.
Miles and miles of carpet tiles.
Ellen DeGeneres bathing naughty Shitzu.
Remembering the old days.
Neil Tennant dressed as regency fop.
Erotic guitar peeking through curtains.
Regency fop dressed as Neil Tennant.
Unbareable disease eased by John Cleese on trapeze.
Brightly lit football stadium at night.
The approval of people you have never met.

I cant think of any more, also the weakest link is on.

philip's answer:

There's only one thing in this world that's more saddening than aping shirtless col, and that's colling an ape, shirtlessly. You, sir, are clearly guilty of both of these most turgid of transgressions.

Mr Shirtless at least has the decency to wrap his listages, some say worthy of the late Clement Freud, in the form of a question. Just what do you expect me to do with a list of things? Without a query, I am nothing. Redundant. Flatulent. Basmatic. Portentous, perhaps, but otherwise unspectacular.

Well done for ringing the death knell of the third best thing ever to occur this side of the age of reason.

ratan asked philip...

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 22:59:24 +0100

ratan asked: My imaginary girlfriend is addicted to shoes. How can I break her of this malevolent disease?

philip's answer:

You might as well face it, she's addicted to shoes.

Reasoning with her will have no help. Not that her footwear obsession is beyond all hope and help, but rather that she's imaginary, you raggamuffin rapscallion whipper-snapper! For the love of all things unholy, give the lass a break and let her explore the options available to her very tootsies.

Unlike women, men have but two options when it comes to shoes: brown or black. As depressing as this is, look upon it as a blessing; young Cheryl (I have named her Cheryl, I hope she likes this name. Feel free to imagine something different if she's more of a Roberta, Helen or Missy Elliot) must spend upwards of twelve hours each and every morning deciding on what size, shape and material her heels are made out of, and that's one small part of the problem. Leather or patent? Suede or canvas? Fuck me or leave me alone?

Her troubles are endless.

a spammer asked philip...

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 22:53:05 +0100

a spammer asked: got spam?

philip's answer:

No thank you, I'm driving.

However, I do got glint, milk and game.

Thurwin "apology" yokeljoke asked philip...

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 22:52:16 +0100

Thurwin "apology" yokeljoke asked: Im awfull sorry for that one....seriously..Taxi?..I mean, if there was something I could do to take it back, as sure as eggs is chickens, I would do it. What happened is, My regular processes got caught up in the mechanism you see? and by friday morning Jesse and the gang had sold enough thin mints and dog wafers to go to Kevin Spacey camp.
Things can only get more better.

philip's answer:

Thin Kevin, camp dogs, Jesse eggs, what on the sweet Earth are you on about, Thurwin?!

Make no mistake about it, this is no place for shirkers, smirkers or Gurkhas. Nothing makes me angrier than James Blunt's angry machine, which he has demonic plans of unleashing onto an unsuspecting world. Well no longer, Blunt! Your game is up. Shape out or ship up, Jimmy boy.

(Apology accepted.)

Lustii Herring asked philip...

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 23:00:00 +0100

Lustii Herring asked: How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a taxi?

philip's answer:

A man more gentile than myself would say "7!". Sadly, normal service can not be resumed in time for the 2012 olympic games, despite all assurances being made by the proper authorities, at the proper time, and on the proper - and rose-scented, though this is optional - paper.

Imagine life now, go on, imagine it. Don't complain to me that you don't have to imagine it as it's happening as it happens, that's beside the point. To the other side of the point is a small Norwegian rabbit by the name of Olaf, who is slowly dying of myxomatosis. As you can see, the point is flanked by a diseased bunny and an abstract concept of reality.

Tell me this, would you challenge this point's authority?

That sovereignty comes from the universe - each passing moment beds the point in as divine, the longer you stop to think about it the more powerful it is. If you wanted to do something, you should have put up your fight 158 years ago, at the time of the big bang.